Monday, June 29, 2009

Prison dads, face punching, and why it's hard to be a girl

Let me give you the "pre" story to the story. This year was my babies first year of kindergarten. We were somewhat trepidatious about this, as we were wondering if it would be easy for her to make friends and how that process would go. Soon after school started, the following conversation ensued:
Grace: Mom, Tiffany is my best friend.
Me: That’s nice
Grace: Her dad is in prison
Me: *chokes on tea* Really? Did she tell you that?
Grace: Ya, she told me. That's why she lives with her Aunt. Her dad stole a bunch of stuff and now he is in prison in California.
Me: Wow, sounds like her dad made some really bad choices. Stealing is never a good choice.
Grace: Nope. Oooo. Wonder Pets is On!
Fast forward to later on in the school year.
I walk into the house at about 6:30 because of an emergency at work and a sick husband who begged me to stop by Sonic for dinner. Trev is lying on the couch lamenting about how he thinks he feels feverish and might have the flu. Oh! The drama. My children are fortunately engrossed in Noggin (best invention ever) instead of destroying my home. I ask Emma how her day at preschool was. She starts to cry. Gracie goes to the bathroom. I ask Emma what happened today.
Emma: "Daniel* says my dress is yucky and that I am yucky"
Me: Did you tell Daniel that wasn't nice and not to talk to you like that?
Emma: Ya, I told him HE was yucky then.
Me: Well, we don't tell people they are yucky. I want you to tell Daniel it isn't very nice to talk to people like that and that he is mean.
Trevor: Daniel is an idiot. You are beautiful.
Grace comes out of the bathroom and I, trying to be ever positive, say "Grace! How was your day today baby!"
Grace: Terrible
Me: Oh my goodness, why?
Grace: At recess I tried to play with my friends and Tiffany got them in a circle and said "we don't want you to play with us"
Me: Wow. It sounds like Tiffany wasn't very nice to you. Real best friends wouldn't do something so mean. What did you do?
Grace: Cried
Me: Next time you tell her that's fine, you will play with somebody else. And then you go find somebody nice to play with. Can you do that? I know that's hard.
Grace: Why would she do that? I thought she was my best friend?
Me: Well, sometimes people make bad choices and they aren't nice. I hope you would never treat anybody like that.
Trevor: I hate girls.
After they went to bed Trev and I decided that:
A. Daniel is lucky Emma did not punch him in the face, because she has the tendency to do that when upset.
B. We think Tiffany sucks. But how do you tell your 6 year old that their best friend will probably have 3 kids from 4 different dads and be doing private dancing jobs at the Clowns Den in 12 years so not to worry about it cause she's a loser? Ah well, she will learn soon enough I am sure. Like, about the time her 10 year high school reunion comes around. That's not in too long, is it?
* All names have been changed to protect the innocent, people in prison, their children, people who might end up in prison or people who might end up working at the Clowns Den as a "dancer"

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Jesus doesn't want people to be left handed

Grace: Mommy, I am right handed, right?
Me: Yes, you are right handed.
Grace: What "handed" are you?
Me: I am left handed.
Grace: Why are some people one way and some people the other? How does it happen?
Me: Well, it's just the way you were born. Some people are born left handed but most people are born right handed.
Grace: That is not true.
Me: What?? Why would you think that is not true?
Grace: Nana (my mother) told me what really happens.
Me: Really. Well, what really happens then?
Grace: Well, see, you go to this class and learn about Jesus. Then, they make you be right handed. You are right handed because the Jesus class makes you be right handed.
Me: Well, I am sure that is not what Nana said. Jesus, I am sure, does not care what hand you use.
Grace: Yes sir! That is the truth.
Me: hmmmm.

So, I call my mother and ask her what, in the name of right handed fiesta Jesus, she told her grand daughter. Apparently the conversation revolved around my Dad going to Catholic school and how those mean nuns hit left handed kids with a ruler until they wrote right handed.

However, in our house, Jesus makes you right handed. And that, is that.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Souse, Wieners, and wormy buddy

I found these items at the grocery store in Torrington, Wyoming. The first one was squishy if you squeezed it. But also seemed to hold its square shape. The people I asked were unaware of what "souse" was. I may Google it to get a better disposition. However, I also am hungry and need a snack so, feel free if you have the time. The second pic does not do those wieners justice. They are a frightening unnatural color of red. They seriously scared the shit out of me.

In unrelated events, it has been raining here for days. While that is a bonus because it means I don't have to water my plants or my yard (which I tend to forget anyway, I am a plant murderer) it also means that an inordinate amount of earth worms are beached in my drive way. So, Emma has a new best friend. She found him outside in our drive way since it rained all night last night. He is sleeping in her bed. Can you guess what he is? He is a crusty dead dried up earthy worm she has named "wormy buddy". When I freaked out and went on a tirade about how gross this was, She cried and cried. She said he was her best friend in the whole world. She said they needed to be together. I said "Wormy buddy is a dead crusty earth worm you found beached in our driveway." Then, I relented. Its disgusting. But, they needed to beeee together.

Oh, by the way, has anybody else noticed that now 2 out of the 3 posts in this blog include wieners? Hmmmmm.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Oops! I crapped my pants!

I am fat. I want to be skinny. On the other hand, I do not want to poop my pants. That is why I will not be purchasing the weight loss drug ALLI. Here is a quote from an MSNBC article on ALLI :

"(I)’ve pooped my pants 3 times today, and sorry to get descriptive but it even leaked onto the couch at one point!” writes one user. " which can be found at :

There is also a list of side effects on ALLI's website. These include:
* You may feel an urgent need to go to the bathroom. Until you have a sense of any treatment effects, it's probably a smart idea to wear dark pants, and bring a change of clothes with you to work
* You may not usually get gassy, but it's a possibility when you take alli. The bathroom is really the best place to go when that happens

OK, how about eating healthy and exercising as opposed to pooping your pants. I'm all for losing weight, and I know that eating healthy and exercising are hard (this is why I am still fat), but let me tell you I would rather not poop my pants. It's bad enough to be overweight. Let alone to be an overweight pants pooper.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Wieners, fire, and...well....wieners and fire.

In an irritating turn of events, I was forced to get up off the couch during Jeopardy and run to my kitchen because I burned the Schwan's corn dogs. I mean, I literally lit the sticks on fire......flames were coming from my wieners. The smoke alarms were going off. Emma was screaming and holding her head in her hands saying Too Loud! Too Loud!. Grace was yelling "mom, you set off those fire detectors with the corn dogs again! and Trevor had opened the oven door and was waving a hot pad back and forth saying "You lit corn dogs on fire while I was gone, more than once?"