Several weeks ago, I was frantically searching for a birthday present for my mother. My mom and dad have birthday's that are less than 30 days apart and this year, they both turned 60. For this momentous occasion, I had already commissioned a documentary of their lives made by my friend and producer Daniel Marces at Secram Studios. However, on Thursday night, 2 days before the birthday party, I hormonally decided I needed "presents". Fortunately, I was in Casper hanging out with my friend Anna for work related reasons. After she took me to an Indian restaurant (WTF? Casper has an Indian restaurant?) we went to Target to mill about.
I bought my dad a Zac Brown Band cd as he recently decided he want to learn to play "Chicken Fried". Suddenly I had a thought. ANNA! You know that one show about kings and shit and Victorian stuff that was on HBO? Maybe they have a boxed set of that. "Uh, the Tudors? That has a lot of sex in it." says Anna. *snicker* "Oh Anna," I say, "my mom's cool. She'll like it." Anna was raised by fundamentalist Mormons so I scoffed at her "a lot of sex" comment. "OK," she says, "your mom sounds rad." I purchase the Tudors. I give it to my mother. She has never heard of it and seems pleased. She likes kings and Victorians and shit. I should have remembered that Anna is not uptight, or Mormon. Anna used to live on the East Coast and is a liberal.
Fast forward 2 weeks. My husband and I meet my parents at the lake to set up shop for the fourth of July weekend, an important occasion in my family. After a whole day of "Farther? Farther? Farther? FUCK! while trying to strategically back a camper/boat/trailer into a wooded, un-level area, everybody is tired and sunburnt. As my dad walks off my mom looks over at me slyly and this conversation occurs:
Mother: That movie you gave me is like soft core porn!
Me: Ya, sorry. I didn't realize it was that bad, I should have listened to Anna.
Mother: Well, it's ok because that guy is a hottie. But it's all sexed up! Like, sex pots. The whole thing is sex!
Me: Well, that's what kind of daughter I am. I give old people porno for their birthdays.
Honestly, I am not even sure what that meant? Sex pots? Sexed up? Hotties? I am sure a good interpretation is "I can't believe my daughter gave me this soft core porn that is sexed up with sex pots and hotties!"
So, adult children of old people...take heed. Do not purchase a snuggie, or a chia pet or bingo cards as gifts. Purchase The Tudors. Or a subscription to late night Cinemax. Or a pay per view gift card.